changes

once the ball starts rolling

there is no stopping it

it collects causalities along the way

smearing it all in shit

and through the shit

sometimes diamonds shine through

so keep your eyes open

and your mouth shut

there is no time to doubt

just go along with the changes

just go along with the changes

things will change for better

things will change for worse

but be sure things will change

like seasons

like humans

like emotions

like passions

so change with the changes

evolve

resolve

devolve

be something better

than the sum of your parts

----

can't keep a poet down for long.

The Tree

How boring would it be
To just be a tree
Rooted to the ground
While the world spins around me

It won't be much exciting
To see the seasons change
While the humans rearrange
Themselves in different skins

Leave fall and leaves grow
Through the rain and the snow
Sunshine, hail, and fog
Just breathing in this smog

Standing still is no thrill
And now the humans come for me
With their jaws and their claws
They rip, tear and open me

They take my arms and my legs
Turn me into boards and pegs
Divided and thrown all around
My single mind hears the sound

Of the slow walk of the beast
Who comes for all of them
Carrying revenge and retribution
Justice on its poisoned back
Justice is a sky turned black
Forever

the lost poem

maybe millions of years ago

when i was just a child
surfing the interwebs
i came across a poem

which impressed me so much
i wrote it down in a notebook
and took a printout too

so that i could read it again 
and again

now the notebook is lost

the printout is lost

the name of the poem in my head
is a fading memory

all that i remember

is

that the poem was about a butterfly
lost on her way home

Quaking

i can feel

the earth vibrate under me

an anger

boiling
inside the surface

the mad god sits

silently
plotting
the demise of 
everything

when the cracks appear

doubts disappear

there is only one

thing to do

run like fuck
run like fuck, man

keyboard monkey

hey keyboard monkey

[invisible boy] 
who needs eyes
when you can touch and type

who needs ears

when you can't hear

who needs a mouth
when you don't feed

just a tube stuck up your ass

upload coffee
download the waste

same in and out

does it even matter?

you're just brain matter

blazing fast fingers

ass stuck in the chair

there are creatures

living in your hair

hey keyboard monkey
you need a new keyboard perhaps
the old one is all broken 

just like your fingers

mashed to pulp

bone fragments shine 

keyboard monkey
you're no friend of mine

how much money have you made boy?

how much did you sell your dreams for?

you wanted to be a writer?

should've been clearer!

now write, motherfucker, write

the deadline is hanging on your head

you will write till you're dead

your tunnel of fate is a dead end

i am so totally not your friend

write keyboard monkey write

give up, it's pointless to fight
here, another cup of coffee

suck on this toffee

wait for another day

to go down the drain
while words fall from your brain

flat on the screen

hush

don't scream

no one cares
no one cares

You will smile

You will smile for the cameras, till they're done clicking.
If you don't smile, the cameras will steal your soul
They will fill their flashes in the empty hole
Of something that was you
Once.
So smile
Smile to save your life
Smile to be yourself
Smile to make a better day
Of something that's breaking apart anyway.


Sent from my iPhone

Sounds

the sounds of birds fill my ears

the sounds of chainsaws fill my fears

the anger, the danger, the madness

it all boils down to one moment

the choice is to explode or implode

to be erased, tazed or phased

into something you're not

into something you will never be

when your moment comes

what will you do

for a chance at glory

or your place in the gutter

so listen for the sounds

listen to the sounds

that carry signals from the past

to the future and your present

Are you present?

In the Dark of the Night

I will wait for you by the street light

I will stand there 

Pacing, tracing my steps

To the corner and back again

I will wait there till moonlight fills the sky

I will wait there

For you

Till sunlight

Even though I know

You won't be here

Till another thousand years or so

I will wait.

-------------------------

Sounds shitty? Well, it could be a dog. It could be a lover. It could be stalker. It could be a serial killer.

Sounds shitty now?

Leeches

mindless clicking

thoughtlessly tapping

fingers know the keys

like lovers addicted to each other

with faces awash in screenglow

there is nowhere left for us to go

old and bitter and cranky

a waste of oxygen

we all make mistakes

but some mistakes are art

like a bad painting
that you can't stop drawing

bad decisions are stuck to my skin

like leeches, bleeding me every day

i pull at them, but they've dug too deep in

my fat friends feeding on my misery

Are You Happy?

Every happy man hides a secret
It's hidden just behind his smile

Something dark and something wicked

Insidious, malevolent and vile

I've observed the happy man's smile

It never reaches his eyes

His eyes that are full of hopelessness

A vacant stare that bores through lies

When I walked in dark streets of this city
I often thought of the happy man

Jealous of his happiness, slightly

Could I ever do, what he can?

Maybe some of us are not meant to be

Smiling, laughing or simply happy

Because once The Fire sets in a soul

It doesn't stop till it burns it all

What use is happiness if it doesn't burn?

Like stars in the night, violent lessons learned

Fueled by fear, anger, hate and malice

Who the fuck would want happiness?

----

Every once in a while, i like one of my poems more than I like other of my poems. This one is a favorite child.

Bitter Dream

The bitter taste in mouth 

Is just a sliver of a dream

That escaped forgetfulness

Now it's a weight on my chest

Did we grow apart as I slept?
Or did we come together?

Why don't I remember?

As I chew this bitter dream

I could spit this dream and move on

By next night I'd be gone (gone, gone)
But still I sit here and moan

Even with you, all alone

So I share this bitter dream with you

A kiss of chewed, bitter destiny

My pain is now your discomfort, too

Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

Beast

A man sits on the side of the road

His head in his hands, tears in his eyes

He is not concerned with the world around him

He is just afraid of what's inside.

The beast

Sweat, the bitter stink of failure

Blood, flowing back to a dirty drain

Pain, a grin scratched in dirt

Tears, mixing with the pain

The beast

Killing all that is dead

Breathing in the dust of dreams

Swirling thoughts in his head

Silenced by the screams

The beast

When the beast looks up

Into your eyes

It knows you

Mirrors never lie

Spinning

Spinning in circles
Spinning a web
Of lies and promises
Of magic and threats

When all this falls apart
We'll pick up the pieces
Start building again
Without alternative

Going on its easy
When you're shameless
No need for a plan b
When you're blameless

Failure is just another lesson
Just another way to scream
Because the pain will never lessen
It will just crop up again

The Need for Attention.

I ask myself, is this what I was meant to do?

Every Monday is a struggle

Because we resign to our fate by Tuesday

Wednesday is a celebration because we made it to the middle of the week
Thursday is the soothing anticipation for Friday

Friday, it's almost over, the cycle of pain

On Saturday and Sunday, the days that pass by
In a blur

We drink, eat, sleep, just to forget

That there is something like excel sheets

Progress reports,
Meetings that suck the marrow of your soul

And bad coffee

Don't you dare forget the bad coffee

Because the amount of bad coffee I've drank
I could write a book about it

I don't even mind taking this poem off a tangent

To tell you how bad the coffee is

But even then I drink it every day

Because, really, the only other option
is bad tea

And that is even worse, trust me, than the bad coffee

You have to trust me when I tell you

That none of us, even the most strongest, smartest, the fastest, the funniest, the sexiest, the realest, the fakest, the modest,

Would be able to survive,

If left in a jungle island, without Wi-Fi

You can't really tell jokes to trees

If you don't get any feedback

Your crippling need for attention

Will eat you from the inside out

Wings of Fire [ Fourth Light ]

Some kind of insistent chirping that takes a hold in my head. Like a tune I can't stop humming. A popcorn shell stuck between my teeth. An eyelash  that I can't find in my eye. The ghost a memory, that I am not sure was reality, or something I imagined so hard that it became real. 

We are all mothers, in this way. We bring things into the world, we nurture them, we care for them, we look forward to their future. But sometimes, just sometimes, mothers have to eat their young and it's always a bitter experience, even if the survival of an idea hinges on it. 

A life for a life is the trade. We become what we hate most. There can be no running away from that. If you don't remember that tune, the tune will remember you. The ideas that you eat for survival, their ghosts will haunt you. The only good thing to do with an idea is to make a kite of it and fly it high and when it reaches up to kiss the moon, let the fucking thing lose, cut the cord, let it wander into the world. 

If the idea really was yours, it will come back to you, on wings made of fire.

--

Read fast. In one breath, if you can.

The Synonym [ Third Light ]

Most of all the biggest slight. The deepest cut. The shameless thing. Is that they all expect you, to be excited. While I sit here and fail to understand if being excited is what it's all about. How can a person force a smile on his face when the world around him is falling apart? How can you have a hope for future, when you're simply crawling at the start? We were told it'd all get better. We were told it'd all make sense. We were filled with truth and light. And a sense of confidence. 

Now the truth is in front of our eyes and it does not look pretty at all. Like an open wound, a sore that has festered, look closer and you'll see the worms crawl. Maybe it's for the best that we give up right now. Or for the worst that we'll face the shame of the days that are yet to come. Maybe we should get this tattooed on our skin, that hope is a synonym for pain. 

-----

Feeling pretty hopeless, because we expect stuff from others. 

Bitter Ink [ Second Light ]

I chewed open a ball pen the other day. The ink spread on my fingers, my teeth, my lips and my face. Looked like I had war-painted my face for some arcane celebration. Everyone looked at me like I was insane, as I smeared the ink all over the pages, of a notebook that I bought from a homeless man who offered to mend my shoes in Sector 15. The whorls and spirals of ink on those pages, they turned into animals, birds, clouds and mountains. Like stray drops of rain, liberated from the sky, the pictures rhymed in the most brutal ways, I've ever seen. 

It left me with a bitter scowl on my ink-stained face, for I had never seen something like that happen every before. I went home and rubbed my face with vinegar, trying to rub off the imagination, but like a curse, it stuck fast. 

And now I am, all blue and black.

----

If you're cursed with imagination, it's your duty, your religion to infect as many as you can. I am doing it, are you?

The Coffee Machine [ First Light ]

The coffee machine sounds like an angry giant, that growls at me for waking it from its sleep. I shudder, but the cup I keep, under it, is filled with the bitter tears that I drink. I like to think of these tears as tears of regret that a beast cries when it is pulled from its natural habitat and put under artificial lights and behind bars. It misses the time of 7 PM, when the sun is just sinking under the horizon and the wind carries the smell of ghosts with it. This is the time when memories are frozen in their cubicles and dreams are shattered with the demand of another status report. All colored and highlighted in .xls format. 

The coffee machine does not care. Maybe what I mistook for tears, is just shit that it gives about the world, and Excel sheets in general.

------------

Trying something different, this will be in some parts.

Hope Is Like

Hope is like smoking a cigarette in the rain

You try to ignite it with a thought from your brain

It sputters and spatters but never catches the flame

Time ticks away and only you are to blame

You look for someone or something to destroy

When everything around you begins to annoy

In a way that most people would not dare to think

You seek your medication in a bottle of drink

Why do you feel pain if you don't care

Why seek eternity when you won't be there

This ball of water will fall into the sun

Too bad, you'd be too dead to join in the fun

Do you see the point? Futility of it all

We are born, we suffer, we run and we crawl

Away from our problems in problems of others

Can't even blame it on fathers and mothers

The finger of blame is an inverted U

You point it at others but it's pointed at you

Your misery, confusion, the fear and the pain

It's all your fault and I'll say it again and again

The Temple

My temple is shaking

Foundation are breaking

The worms of indifference

Sickened with confidence

Above me, the vultures 

Below, alligators

They circle

They circle

Willing me to falter

A misstep

A hurdle

A mistake

A blunder

My vision is blurry

My goddess in hurry

She calls out to me

I run, not for fun

I fall to my knees

Whisper please

She's somewhere else

Ignoring me, boring me

I lie by her doors

The wait I abhor

It eats me

It beats me

To pieces

To pieces

The longer I wait

The stronger my hate

It beats me 

It eats me

From inside 

From outside

The vultures are closer

They circle

They circle

I falter

I stumble

So why won't you love me?

So why won't you love me?

-------------

I don't know.

the walker in the lost city

I ate the rotting bread

And I walked the burning streets

Where the wind was dead

And dogs drowsed at my feet

But all my pain meant nothing

To the people who stared at me

Was I some kind of king?

Or just someone who walked funny?

I said my hellos to the old men

Who grunted their responses

Old women looked disapprovingly

As I counted all my chances

Would I get out of this place alive

Would I walk these streets forever

Would I even survive?

Would I end up dumb or clever?

In circles I walk

In puzzles I talk

With no meaning or sense

Just confidence 

Ghosts

In the walls

In the halls

Every breath

Hint of death

Finally,

They have come for me

They took their time

As I patiently waited

They swirl around me

Confused

Why aren't you afraid? 

They ask in one voice

I say I'm afraid

I've always been afraid

Now the mask is too tight on my face

And I don't even want to take it off

They swirl around me

Confused

Then they hug me

One and all

They say I need it

My skin crawls

My bones go cold

And I am old

Old like a ghost

Pigs In Darkness

Hear me snort

I am under your bed

Hear me exhort

Dreams from your head

You might be big

Without any fear

But I'm your pig

I'll always be here

Chewing on the dreams

Bones and the marrow

Digesting your screams

Friendly like a flying arrow

You're always there for me

I am always there for you

We'll never be free (of each other)

Cuz you're my pig, too

-----

SPINNING, SPINNING! FALLING, FALLING!

CRASH!!

I Think Of Things

When I lie down in this void, my mind is full of thoughts

With your head nestled comfortably on my shoulder and

Your lips moving to count the beats of my heart

I think of a lot of things

As your breathing labors down while sleep takes you

I look at the ceiling and the slowly spinning fan

I listen to rain beat a rhythm on the window

And I think of a lot of things.

Your hair smells nice as ever

Your skin is warmed by my touch

Maybe you're dreaming or pretending

While I think of a lot of things

I kiss the crown of your head

Hold you closer to fend of the dread

Of the things that crawl in the dark

Of the things in void that think of us

The Crows

The crows flew around me

Sitting on my shoulders

They whispered lies in my ears

That they learned from her

Even though I know

That I can't trust the crows

Their words, I still listen

Just know what I am missing

For I learned long ago

It is not what you know

But what you don't know

You have to take it slow

Learn to read between the lines

Sift through the truth that sounds fine

You will see the cracks shine

You will see the lies align

So I tell my own lies to the crows

They take my messages to her

We play this game, back and forth

Till one of us gives up and stirs

Capture Hope

You can break down the morning

Into little pieces

Dissect it or chop it

But how would you find

The molecules that

Make up the beauty

Of a drop of dew

Spread into a million colors

With the first ray of sunlight

You can inspect the dusk

With your science and reason

With your atheism and religion

You'd still not capture

What makes the moon sing

In the memory of a lover

Who left long ago

How can you cure desire?

How can you capture hope?

Rid The Night

Rid the night of poison

Rid it with a smile

The colors run deep

The colors run vile

When she cried for the sun

The words floated away

Riding on wings of dreams

They were never meant to stay

All the words she couldn't say

Fell to her feet

Buried in the ground

Sprouted flowers

In another season

Does there have to be

A reason?

There Is Always More

When you think that it has ended

When you're completely sure

When you smoke the cigarette of victory

Remember, there is always more

There is no pride in pain

It hurts the brave and cowards alike

Pain is not an emotion

It's a force from outside

While we all build defenses

While we strengthen our walls

The rot clings to foundations

Eats the floors of our halls

There is more where this comes from

It's not where, it's just when

When black things climb from the darkness

To eat the hearts of brave men

And cowards too

Distill

Distill all the noise
Into a single voice
Breathe some life into it
And set it free
Let this sound travel far
Add it to the universal chaos
Stop trying to find
Meaning in everything
These things
These beings
They just exist, to exist
Evolution is cruel
It spares no one
There isn't too much fun
Being victim of natural selection
Why strive?
Why bother?
Why to do anything at all
Just drift
Like a dead fish in a dead river

The Grudge

I chew the slivers of broken dreams

Till my teeth scrape and my gums bleed

Still I chew it hard into a mush

Still I smile as I swallow that slush

It never gets better with time

Each mouthful bitter than last

But the dog in me is relentless

It keeps chewing like a bastard

The times when it's tough to swallow

When the insides have become hollow

Only a void where something used to be

Beaten free from the desire to be free

This morning I took another mouthful of dreams

To chew all day as I sit in this chair

High on the fumes that make my eyes tear

I am not even here. 

Not even here

The Joy Is Gone

There is an empty feeling

Where something used to be

The joy is gone

There is only void

How does it feel

To feel nothing at all

Not even dread 

That one day I'll be dead

Acceptance comes at a price

The price that is too much

I've paid it in dimes

I've paid for my crimes

Even the simple sins

Acts of laziness

Acts of bitterness

Anger and indifference

Though these faults made me human

I've paid for them all

Now I suffer alone

For all joy is gone

--

the struggle