don't

just don't
ask me if i'm okay
if i am angry
if i am upset
if you felt the need
to ask the question
the answer is a definite yes

but i won't say it
i won't tell you
it's too late to do so
that ship has sailed
the building burnt to ashes
the crop has turned to dust
what's fucked can't be unfucked

uh, what i actually mean to say is
what i really fucking want to say is
if after all these years
we still need to ask each other
the same stupid fucking questions?

please open your eyes and see
look up from the screen at me
why won't you look at me?
is facebook really so fucking interesting?

fine.
alright.
it's okay.
i'm okay.
i really am. okay.
i've got screens of my own
and i can drown much better in retina 

Orion

It's been ages since we met, old friend
But I'm sure you remember the time
When I used to point at you in the sky
To tell you the things I loved and hated
Then the skies greyed out
And I spent more and more time under artificial lights
Drunk on love, lust and desire
Bound by a sense of worthless duty
I forgot you
I forgot you were even there
Still looking at me
Looking out for me, maybe
As I sped through life
Reckless with a death wish
Looking ahead, always forward
Faster faster faster
Not even once did I bother
To look up

Now trapped in this jungle
Cold in the darkness
I turned my gaze to the skies
And there you were
Looking back at me
Just as always

----
Probably the easiest constellation to spot in the night sky. I hate living in light polluted cities where we are so busy that we don't even look at the sky anymore. Everyone is jacked into their fucking devices and lost in the fight for existence. You've to kill yourself every day just to stay alive. Just a reminder to myself that I should look up more.

pause

I roll my eyes to the skies

And wonder at the injustices in the world

Why are things the way they are

It makes zero sense on best days

On worst days it's like a stone in your shoe

When you've got to spend the whole day running

You take off the shoe and the stone disappears

And reappears on next step like a magic trick

It's an itch that you can't scratch

That keeps bothering you inside and out

You reach and fuck your posture up

But still there's no relief, there never is

You can't pause life, love

It moves exactly one day at a time

So you dig your toes into the sand

And enjoy the waves as much as you can

---

Where was I going with this one? I don't really know, it just poured out of me.

Gotta get better. 

Every day.

Kinda stole one line from Incubus. Kinda.

The World Engine

(Hit play, then read)

Deep in the bowels of the planet

The world engine spins

Fueled by hate, misery and paranoia

Feeding on bad decisions and sins

Metal teeth chew every thought 

Spitting out shit, burning in the heat

Under a black sun that radiates the muck

The world engine eats up all the ungiven fucks

It travels the core on treads made of skin and bones

Of sinners and winners, and ones left alone

In circles and circles the world engine goes

Celebrating a sick planet's death throes 

As the tectonic plates shift, the world engine keeps spinning

It eats through the core till there is nothing left

It cries out in horror when faced by the void

Then the world engine fucking eats itself.

----

I like this one.

I like writing poems from my laptop because it gives me more room to edit and play around with the formatting, the ones I send from my phone via email, they're more on-the-spot and raw. But hell, any port in the storm, right?

Bug

Look at this
This smear of black yellow and green
This filth stuck to this screen
It used to be a bug
And what a bug it was
With a dream in its buggy eyes
To see the world
On the other side of the screen
But as life goes
Death follows
So all we're left with
Is a smear of black yellow and green
Of all the things this bug could have been
-----
I need to medicate myself with alcohol. Now.

2 AM

They say
Nothing good happens after 2 AM
You could go out for a drive
Get in a fight
Or wrap your car around a tree
You could get robbed or stabbed or murdered out there in streets after 2 AM

After 2 AM, the cops are as dangerous as the thieves and the world in general is a rabid dog with hate in its heart and madness in its eyes

The cities are peaceful like time bombs, cancer, or someone holding dark secrets in their dark heart.

Peaceful, for now.

Like a dam slowly filling up to capacity and cracking at the foundations. A cloud pregnant with hate, ready to rain acid down on parched earth.

After 2 AM, don't walk out of your house.
Stay hidden.
The world is out to get you.
And it has new teeth and claws.
Already wet with blood of fools.

But it's 2 AM and my neighbor is
Cooking smelly eggs again
While I just rage-washed a sink load of dishes and now my hands smell of soap

Like I said,
Nothing good happens after 2 AM

Memory Overload

The message pops up multiple time a day
Memory is full, delete some stuff away
But all i have are dead apps that never stir
Each more important than the other

Ever had a gadget stained with desire?
It works fine but it's filled with fire
Could a machine have so much heart in it
Even more than one or two human units?

My memories are now made up of bits and bytes
Data coursing through my veins, sub-microscopic nanites
Always connected but still cannot play
Memory full, delete some apps away

I'm overloading and it's a beautiful way to go
Someday they'll dig me up from archives and then they'll know
What it meant to feel something in this fucking digital age
How it felt to overload with love and with rage

--------
Fighting the stupid phone that keeps telling me to delete apps.

The Irritant

A single mosquito buzzing buzzing buzzing
And you can't figure out where the fuck it is
A paper cut that stings, a cuticle torn
Or waking up in middle of night cuz of someone's snores

The one slow driver on the road
The one person who just doesn't understand
The one shit talker with all the bad jokes
And the fake laughter of ass lickers

The silence that threatens to creep in, in place of love
When you take long walks just to be away
When you talk and talk and talk and talk
But you really didn't have anything to say

The irritation is like death from a thousand cuts
It never stops, you never bleed enough
And you keep shovelling that shit in your ears
And you keep talking to silence your fears

-----
I'm so irritated these days and remembering all the things that irritate/d me.

Thin

My skin is thick
But my patience grows thin
It's so thin you can see through it
Like waxed paper, almost transparent
I'm almost on the edge
And there won't be no wings
If I fall down
No bouncing back either
It's a one way trip
Into dark lands of my mind
If I walk I'll walk alone
And leave everything behind
Because as things are now
A man can't even write a poem in peace

-----
It's fucking hilarious. All this.

Dull Days

falling into a routine
has to be
the most boring thing of all
when you miss the chaos
uncertainty
and the risk of death
every time you step out of the house

i don't even step out of the house anymore
there is nowhere that i want to go
there is nowhere that wants me to visit
i am just stuck in a loop

leaving nail marks in the skin of the drum that spins me

it's funny how when life is calm
i've started to get headaches
i've started to get sick and
whereas i once thrived in a high pressure
back stabbing
filled with bullshit to the gills
type of environment

reminds me of how some birds
don't get their wings clipped off
just get the feathers pulled
one by fucking one
till they forget the desire to fly

The Plant

I woke up and I could not even
Shake this image from my head
A plant uprooted violently from soft earth
Floating alone in silent space

Roots that reach out like arms
Towards stars and infinities
But it's doomed to orbit a single planet
Stuck in a loop till eternity

Leaves that wither and wilt and wane
Backlit by glow of a dying moon
A silhouette, spinning space debris
In this monochrome prison

Then, in the frigid merciless void
A drop of magic leaks through
Through the fabric of space and time
And a new leaf bursts out of the gloom

Hidden by the shadows and the shade
It looks at the big blue, nourished by hope
The orbit is skewed, the loop is screwed
The plant readies itself for things anew

-----
This one needs a lot of fixing. But I'm getting back into reading space sci-fi and this thought, or this image of an uprooted plant floating in space, I just could not not write about it.

i don't like bob dylan

i don't even like bob dylan

but i like some of his songs

i think i might hate that old fuck

with his grating voice and holier-than-thou attitude

it's easy to criticize, y'know

any online monkey can do that

you don't even need skills or charm

you can even write shit about bob dylan

then there are days when I wonder

what it'd be like to have a grandfather like bob dylan

he'd be old and wrinkely and full of stories

(i never knew my grandfather, he kicked the bucket too soon)

but really, i don't even know if bob dylan is still alive

many people die young, but old drugged up droogs always survive

i listen to bob's songs sometimes, on sad shitfuck evenings

on rare occasions, the lyrics make sense

---

No disrespect for Mr. Dylan. Just poetic license. 

feel so blank today

i am chasing a lot of words
they keep running away from me
i make ropes of my fingers
and try to bring them in

but the words are slippery and sly
they slip, slide and scamper away
i am running here and there looking for them
but they do not come my way

maybe i should use magnets
maybe i should use some kind of bait
maybe i should threaten them
but time is short, i am already late

there are deadlines hovering on my head
like vultures with curved beaks and sharp claws
they see and they want me dead
but they'll never drag this keyboard from my paws

i feel sad, so sad, i cannot work but
my heart is a wolf, a demon, a rapscallion dark
so i use the pen and the paper, to make my mark
cuz the bite of this fucker is worse than his bark

salt

all the salt was in my plate

but i said nothing

as i shoved bitter spoonfuls

in my mouth

cuz no one else said anything

maybe something was wrong with my tongue

maybe i was feeling too sensitive with the food

so i kept eating

and i kept dreaming

of burning rice fields 

all over the fucking world

so i kept chewing

bitter mouthfuls

like a dog

that knows nothing better

you've got to eat 

at the end of the day

you've got to sleep

in the bed you've made

so chew on, brother

chew on

maybe you'll get used to this too

(fucker)

No poem today

Cuz I'm away
Sitting in a train
But In my brain
The words do sway

And what do they say?
Stop whiling boy
You've got this toy
Put it to use and type away

So here's some words
They're yours to keep
They blip blop bleep
So Hold them close or they'll fly like birds

Silence

There is no silence in my head
Only a steady buzz of the unknown
Darkness liberated from womb of the earth
I stare into the void that's my phone

My retinas are used to the blue white glow
I don't sleep till the battery is low
Sometimes I'm awake till the break of dawn
Lockscreen notifications are always on

Wake up
Unlock
Release
Refresh

The cycle goes on

I had a chance at silence once
Gone

So I sit here staring at these walls
Wishing I was lost, roaming in some mall
Knocking on closed shutters and scratching the glass
I'm addicted to pulling rhymes out of my ass

-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I missed doing this. So much missing. 

The Egg of Misery

I thought there was one
But in reality there were two
I thought I was alone in my pain
But God threw me in the mix with you

Now we both float in this cloud of dust
Overtaken by mutant radiation and disgust
Skin is falling apart in patches, so is hair
If I wasn't here would you be there, I don't care

The stain on my heart is the spit in your mouth
When I told you my sins you didn't even shout
I told I told I told you so many different things
Now all's said and done and the fat lady doesn't sing

The egg of misery is finally broken
In black and green goo we both lie open
My throat is jammed and you want to kiss me
If I don't get to breathe, then soon you will miss me.

-=-=-=-=-=-
Old poem, from 2011 I think.

The Stars Disappear

The mock derision in your eyes
Has captured me surprised
Which one of us has lied
About hating the other's guts?
I am just mesmerized
By your iff's and but's
The scent of your skin
The secrets held within
So let my words trail
From the tip of your tongue
To your pretty toenails
Speak to me love
Tell me your desire
Speak to me love
Call me a liar
Talk to me under the light of moon
Fill me with your love
So when the night is over
And the day shines bright
I come back again
To you

Machine

There is a bee in my bonnet
A bug in the system
A spanner in the gears
Throwing thing out of rhythm

This machine is fucked up
Heaving and clawing and biting the earth
Screeching noise to high heavens
Still climbing still rolling forth

Where is this fucking thing going
Without any sign of slowing
Barreling into the stop signs
Thrashing smashing over the land mines

Will this crash or survive
Will this machine arrive
Where it's supposed to go
Will someone let me know?

Osiris

Bring forth the chariots and slaves
Bring forth the promises broken
Bring forth the undug graves
Bring forth the lives unopened

I stand here with my brothers
Prepared for end of times
The faithless speak my names
I judge them for their crimes

Sentencing some to burn
And some to hang for crows
Some fall in the pits
Other in the down belows

There shall be no redemption
All sins counted and accounted for
For rebirth, I'll kill and kill again
And who can ask for more

----
so random, this just popped up in my head, i just had to write. uhh

Ugh

The sea smells salty
Sand is squishy between my toes
An orange sun slowly sinks
Like a swimmer sans hope

I sit there watching it all
Absorbing, breathing it in
Storing away words and images
In a small room in my head

There are many other rooms like this
And one of those rooms has you
With a door marked with a red X
Because you're just that good

I often keep that room locked
But sometimes I give in
Then I take the key and open the door
To feast on what's within

One wall is marked with words
One wall crowded with pictures
One wall that begs to be touched
One wall that's just a memory

But the ceiling is most special of all
Colored black, dark as sin
I sit in middle of that room and think of you
And dream of all that could have been

This is why I keep that room locked
Keep it locked because I should
I just can't make myself lose the key
Cuz, ugh, you're just so good


--------------

I am going to come back to this and fix the second stanza, something about that one bugs me, but I can't put my finger on what it is. But I'll fix it. 

Taste

My tongue is raw
My mouth is bloody
But I tasted a galaxy
And it was worth it
I can't stop the words that flow
I watch them drift
I watch them go
On currents of thought
Speeding away like scared animals
They're gone
They know where to go
They will find their way to you
Times when you're alone
These words will tiptoe
Through the windows
Through the screens
Through the blinds
Through machines
These words will not rest
Till they get a taste too

Dark Mode

My heart is stuck
In dark mode
Dark thoughts
Dark deeds
Dark days
Dark needs

I am sinking
In inky blackness
These impressions
Tattooed on my soul now

My mind is warped
Twisted and scrambled
Still making sense
Like a digital rose unassembled
Torn from the center of my heart
Scrunched up and thrown apart
All over the world wide web

Random, still making sense
Losing, yet winning
This unwinnable game
This fucked up dark romance

I zip my mouth sometimes
I tape together my fingers
My thoughts clutched in night's fist
But when I close my eyes, your scent still lingers

So I breathe
I breathe
I breathe you in
If love is sin
Then love, count me in.

Please

Let me go to sleep, please
Let your darkness wash over me
I have had enough of light
Now I just want to dream

Why am I awake
In this caffeinated haze
Filled to my gills with Mountain Dew
Bleeding my nails on bars of my cage

Let me close my eyes, please
It's been a thousand fucking years
I am done, I am so done with this
My dry eyes have run out of tears

Why am I here
Smashing my head in these walls
Filled to my gills with thoughts so blue
I've lost the power to believe at all

Let me lie down for five minutes, please
In the hollow embrace of my own arms
While I keep wishing it was you
While I keep wishing it was you
Please

Floating (3 of 3)

This strange place
Inside one head
Inside so many heads
People thinking wishing dreaming
People lying, scheming screaming
This control center of the hive mind
The window to the eyes of the world

This is where the magic happens
And now this tachyon
This filthy little tachyon
Has his finger on the switch
This planet will die like a bitch

This rage, this frustration
This age, this situation
Words and worlds that mean nothing
But shit
Fuck all gods
This is fucking it

The tachyon punches a button 
And the world goes dark
The dogs that bite
Seldom bark
All thoughts
All fiction
All poetry
All art
Thrown into a bin
The world of man
Choked on its sin

And the tachyon keeps floating
In the void
Waiting for something to happen
But nothing does
Nothing ever does

The Gatekeeper(2 of 3)

Hello, little tachyon
What are you doing here
All alone?
What are you looking for?
This place isn't your home
Yes, there used to be things here
But you'd not know their names
There used to be some ancient beings here
And they liked to play ancient games
What kind of games, you ask
Well,
Games of loss and desire
Games of love and fire
Games of joy and pain
Games that drive tachyons insane
So boy, fuck out of here
This place is madness and fear
Fuck off little tachyon
This place isn't for you
How the fuck did you even reach here?
The directions aren't posted anywhere
This place has no space for little fucks like you
Begone!

but the little tachyon stands his ground 
he stares at the gatekeeper who looks all around
defiance building up in its little heart
he dares the gatekeeper to look in his eyes
but he won't!
so the little tachyon decides
that he will go through and he won't abide
whatever this place is, he will explore
till he finds something that will keep him
from getting bored

the gatekeeper blinks and the tachyon is gone
he stands there blinking like a fool, all alone

Glitch (1 of 3)

A lonely tachyon
stumbles
through darkness

looking for something
that won't be there
for another hundred years

still it keeps seeking
emotions leaking
without speaking

the lonely tachyon
grumbles
through darkness

spreading discontent
disorder, disturbing intents
in its wake

poisoned thoughts
soul stuck in a glitch
of memories and noise
---

A tachyon's journey, told through poetry?)

The Experiment

Here's an experiment,
You can do it in the comfort of your home
In fact, we, at Omega Machine, encourage you
To try this at home
;)

Choose a well lit room
Choose the biggest mirror
Choose your face
Yes, that beautiful face

Now, look
Really look
Look hard in the eyes in that mirror
Look how those eyes stare at you
Stare into those eyes
But don't get hypnotized

Still here?
Good!
This is the second phase of the experiment
And, we are sorry to say, this might hurt a bit
But that's okay!
It's supposed to hurt, you know
What's life without a bit of pain?
:)

Now stretch your right arm in front of your face
Face your palm, look at the lines in your hand
What do they tell you?
Nothing.
Move that arm clockwise
Till it's parallel to your cheek
Then slap yourself as hard as you can
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat
Till you're ready to face the world
(i am so sorry)

How Could You

How could you just

Flick a switch and go silent

When you've made home in my veins
And your exit will be fucking violent

How could you just 

So calmly ignore all that I've said

When your words still ring in my ears 
And your thoughts fill up my head

How could you just

Expect me to not cry and whine

When your absence has left a hole in me

And now I'll never be fine

Thrice you told me no 

And you told me to go

But even if I drown myself

I'll drift up at your shores

(Wrote on my tumblr, cross posted here)

all my galaxies are dark

:(

I wrote this poem for you

• See, I wrote this poem
• If you’ll listen to it, I’ll read
• You sweetly tell me “later”
• You’re busy watching TV
• We both know there won’t be later
• It hasn’t been here since ‘13
• You’ll forget but I’ll remember
• All the things that haven’t been
• If you think that I’ll feel guilty
• Then, Mrs., I’ve got news for you
• If you won't listen to my poems
• I'm sure someone else will do
• (cross posted from my tumblr)

Chainsaw Forest

You'll hear it before you see it

They're always on

You'll fear it before you be it

Don't dare to go there alone

Behind the hill

In the valley

By the stream

Lies the forest

All of them hear

The noise that never ends

All of them fear

But everyone pretends

Maybe we could meet there

Weave our way through the whirring spines

Maybe we could bleed there

Fuel the ground for some more time

This world is a chainsaw forest for me and you

It hungers, screams, lusts for bloody fuel

We could be careful as fuck as we tread through

While we wrap wicked wounds with weary words

---

For you, because you love alliteration. 

the dogs of darkness

i miss your fucking streets

miss the dogs of darkness

guarding everything 

that didn't give a fuck about them

i miss your fucking bullshit

your erratic weather

every time it pissed rain 

every time it got hot as hell

i miss your fucking sunsets

when at 7 PM

the sky went insane

for a minute or two

most of all i miss myself

i miss being in you

breathing your foul air

kissing the dreams away

----

i spent a lot of night walking through the streets with just dogs for company. they were all good dogs. they never bit me, that's good enough.

Fistful of Dust

Doctor, sir, professor,

We must open this man

There are things inside him

That the others don't understand


He's got his eyes fixated

His pupils dilated

His tongue is black

I think he's had a heart attack


Now that he is dead

We'll get into his head

While it might sound sick

We'll find what makes him tick


There is blood inside him

Some flesh

Lot of bones

And this something unknown


Sir, this fucker doesn't even have a heart

He is totally, completely missing this part

Just a fistful of dust where that organ should be

Just a fistful of dust

Kill All Poets

This has to be done

Not tomorrow, not day after

Not next month, or next year

The time is not near

The time is here

(right fucking now)

We're going to round these fuckers up

Put them on their knees in a dirty playground

The line will go for miles and miles

But we have the time

All these rhymers

Free flow junkies

Dying old timers

Iambic pentameter monkeys

What you loved has finally found you, motherfucker

Now it's going to kill you all

Steel will fill your head till your thoughts leak out

It will beat you to death with a fucking dictionary 

--- 

that's all i have to say.

Circles and Spirals

It was a long time ago
(really long time ago)
when i read that poem

some star-struck, heart-broken poet wrote
that
lovers are like two points of a compass
always connected
dancing with each other

but real life is not that simple
lovers can't draw a circle and call it quits
there are things that divide the circles
there are words we don't know the meaning of
there are lines that run parallel never to meet
like train tracks headed into a dark tunnel

i wish loving someone was as simple as a circle
you sacrifice everything and expect nothing
but human heart is a son of a bitch
always needing to scratch that invisible itch

if you don't scratch that itch, it will drive you insane
and when it ends, you might not remember your name

there are spirals within the circles, and we're all tied in our silent coves
spinning threads that might just bring us closer
or send us away from each other

----

I need to get back to this blog, I swear I do.

CMOT

I thank god
the one above
the one below
one who knows me
the one i know
i thank them both
for giving me the insight
and the evil in my veins
where the blood has turned black
and my morals have slacked
making me lazy
slightly crazy
and the memories kinda hazy
but i remember
the december
i remember
what i need to
remember
i do
i am telling you
there is no lie in that
when lies are all i tell
so just know that
you can't
lie to a liar

i will cut my own throat and bleed all over you
cuz just like you, i don't give a fuck too

DONE

Phew.
Is it finally over?
Close the doors
Clean the dishes
Shut the lights
And the blinds

Finally alone.
Is it all done?

Sitting alone on the floor
Feeling bored and ignored
Thoughts all over the place
Where is the cure?

I think I will float away
From all this
Go somewhere else
Where I might have a chance
At happiness
Or a new mess.